That one thing

The question was expected. I had thought about it and had a prepared an answer. The answer was a lie.

The truth is that I find it hard to concentrate – on anything. I have a list of things to do, that keeps pulling me from one activity to another. Not too long ago, I could read a book in two or three sittings. I could watch a movie for 120 minutes. I could listen to music and would forget that I had things to do. It has now been years since I did any of these. I haven’t read a book in 7 years. I haven’t watched a movie in 2 years. I haven’t listened to any music for more than 4 or 5 minutes for a few months now. I tried meditation to get my concentration levels back. In the evenings, I would be too tired to stay awake during meditation. In the mornings, my list of things to do would get me out of meditation within 3 minutes.

I was in a panel discussion about time management. The question to me was about that one activity that I do, makes me forget about time passing by. I talked about reading good books, I talked about watching good movies, I talked about listening to music. None of that was true. I just could not do any of those things anymore. I cannot compartmentalize my thoughts. I cannot concentrate on one thing at a time. I have 8 things going on in my mind and I am sure I am forgetting 12 other things that I should be thinking of.

What happened to that young girl who used to write her diary every day? What happened to the teenager who used to listen to music for hours?

What happened to the young lady who would spend her weekends reading a book ? I want to bring that old me back to life. I hope I can. I hope she is not dead. I hope she is in a deep coma, waiting for the right regimen to bring her back to life.

I joined the library last week. I borrowed one book – ‘Perfume: Story of a Murderer’ by Patrick Suskind. I was determined to finish it. I told myself that if I had to finish reading it. It took me about 10 one hour sessions, but I finished reading the book in a week. I had passed my first test. For year, I haven’t had a song list that I could go to when I wanted to relax. I listened to a few songs, but I find it hard to go on. I will skip music for now and try writing. What do I write about ? I want to get back to watching movies. I will write about watching movies.  I logged on to Amazon. I am browsing through the hundreds of movies that are included with Amazon Prime. I want to create a watchlist of 90 movies to watch. In the next 150 days, I want to watch all of them and write about them. I want to be the me that I was, 15 years ago. The only item on my  To Do list is to get my old life back.